Mamama

It is very hard for me to believe that today marks the second anniversary of my grandmother, Mamama's death. She was more than my grandmother; she was a second mother to me. I lived with her for as long as I lived with my parents: 21 years. Losing a grandparent is always difficult, but for my brother and me it was like we lost a parent the day she died. I don't think I have dealt with this loss yet, since I sometimes still feel like she's not gone, but rather visiting my Uncle Jimmy in Corsicana, especially when I go to Nacogdoches and walk into her empty room. It's hard for me to hold onto that fallacy now though since we lost my uncle Jimmy in February of this year to pancreatic cancer, so I know she can't be visiting him....well not here on earth anyway. It does warm my heart to know that she is with the love of her life, my grandfather Da, her parents, all her brothers and sisters, and her two beloved sons, but I still miss her so very much. The holidays are always hard for people who have lost loved ones because that's the time we are all supposed to be together. When Mamama died I was eight weeks away from giving birth to Hayden, whom she was so anxiously waiting to meet. This year I am pregnant again, but with a daughter and I'm sad for her because I never got to share any of this pregnancy with Mamama and that makes me feel like this baby got cheated out of knowing Mamama even more than Hayden did. It sounds silly, I know but it's how I feel. I know she is and has been in a better place for two years now, but the selfish part of me wishes she was still here. Yesterday I took out all of our Christmas decorations and put up the stockings that Mamama made for Davin, Hayden, and me and again it made me sad that our little Peyton would never have a hand-made stocking by her great-grandmother. I have decided to buy the same kind of little stocking sewing kit that Mamama would have if she were still here and attempt to sew one for Peyton myself. I'm hoping Mamama will help me out with this since I'm not the best with a needle and thread. Ha! She would also make her famous "trash" (her yummy chex mix goodies)every year for Christmas and give some to everyone she knew. I have made her trash and carried on this tradition for the past two Christmases and will continue to do it every Christmas...it makes me feel like she's sharing the holidays with us. Anyway....I'm sorry to ramble, but if you could please keep my mom and aunt Catherine in your prayers this holiday season as this is their first without their brother Jimmy and another one without their other brother Guy and both of their parents I would really appreciate it. Also, please keep my cousins Judith and Guy and their families in your prayers as this will be their first Christmas without their father, my uncle Jimmy. I wanted to share this poem with you all before I sign off. I read this two years ago tomorrow at Mamama's graveside service and it's as true today as it was then.
Lots of love,
Spencer

I Did Not Die (Author Unkown)

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond's glint on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.

I am not there. I did not die.